An Open Letter to the Girl Struggling to Be Content in Her Singleness
Dear Single Girl,
I’m not too sure what your outlook is on being single. Maybe you are completely content with single life, or maybe you’re not. If there is one thing I could tell my once single self, it would be, “embrace it.” There are so many awesome opportunities available to you during this season of your life.
I remember a time when I couldn’t wait to be married and have kids. Now I’m married with two children and think about how I should have learned to be content during my single years. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m so grateful for my family. I love my girls very much. But when I think of them growing up and stepping into adolescence, I realize how important it is for them to get everything out of each season – whether single or married – without looking too far ahead into the next step.
To be honest, I had a hard time thinking about what else to tell you about single life since my single years were very short. So, I spoke to my friend Chantal Spencer who is currently single. She’s my go-to single girl, if you will (haha). She passed on some nuggets of wisdom that I would love to share with you.
“Wrestle with your singleness. Don’t rush into a relationship out of loneliness.”
“Being single has its drawbacks. You fight a lot of things on your own when no one is watching.”
Frustrations about little things like attending a wedding without a date or going to dinner by yourself can get old. But, that’s where being a Christian comes in. You can bring each frustration to God through simple conversation with him, leaving them at his feet.
Related: Dear Single Woman, Here’s Why You Should Stop Obsessing Over Being Ready for Marriage
Don’t wait until you have a spouse to start your life
Your single years are a time to get to know yourself better. You may even find strength and resilience you did not know about before as you walk through some of the not-so-fun parts.
Chantal used to think she had to wait until she was married to start planning to buy a house and have children. She later realized that’s not the case. She was able to find and grow her career in her singleness. She dedicated her singleness to developing herself and found provision she thought she could only have in marriage. Many times, the narrative is that you must have a spouse to start a life. But, you can start any time.
Guard and protect your heart
Chantal also shared that if you are interested in dating, it is important to guard your heart. This means that you should protect your time and emotional energy. Don’t allow just anyone to access your deepest thoughts and feelings. Look for someone with strong character traits that point to maturity. Traits like kindness, virtue, strong work ethic, honesty, and a good heart. They must be on the same page when it comes to Christianity. This doesn’t mean that they will be perfect but they should believe in and want to grow with Jesus as an individual.
Related: What Does it Mean to Be A Daughter of God and Why Does it Matter?
Don’t create a “fantasy man” in your head
Avoid making extremely specific lists of all you want in a man. Sometimes we make up fantasy people that a real human being could never compare to. It’s kind of like putting together a superhero in your mind. Be open minded but make sure to have some non-negotiables to honor the other person’s time as well as your own. We can’t put ourselves or anyone else in a box when it comes to dating.
Refuse to settle
Don’t be with anybody just to have somebody.
You may feel like wanting to settle. But, don’t be with anybody just to have somebody. Always analyze each new or potentially risky decision. Remain consistent in prayer and ask God if its a good idea to enter into a relationship. Work on yourself as a whole, and not as half a person just because you are single. Two healthy people can make a great team, couple, and ultimately, a great marriage. Though you cannot control when a quality person will come into your life, you can work on yourself and make sure that you are whole while waiting for them to come along.
Finally, I would like to wrap up with a passage in the Bible where Paul speaks about contentment. In Philippians 4:11-13, he says,
“Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”
I don’t know what each season of life will look like for you. I do know that there is more to you than your relationship status. You have so much to contribute to this world. It’s more than just being a wife or a girlfriend. No matter where life takes you, trust God that his plans are good for you.
I don’t think you have to “embrace” being single, depending on what you mean.
I’ve also heard the old line about how you have to be “content” with being single before God will bless you with a spouse. I’ve always wondered about this idea, though. It’s rather strange, isn’t it? And where does the Bible day this, exactly? It seems like people invented this idea as a way to caution you about being “desperate.” Not because it makes any sense.
When you’re single, some people will try to encourage you with ideas like “this is where God has you right now.” But just because you’re currently single doesn’t mean that God wants you there. This idea is a little strange. What if I’m currently homeless, or unemployed, or being abused? Are those things happening because “God wants me there”? Often people teach this sort of idea when they talk about singleness.
The funny thing is that it actually seems counter to what Paul actually says in 1 Corinthians 7. What Paul says is that if you are single and not content….then go get married. Isn’t that interesting? Just because something’s happening in your life doesn’t mean it’s a “gift from God.”
Sometimes, when people tell singles to be content, they’re just citing personal experience. They’ll say things like, “I stopped looking, and that’s when I found my husband/wife.” They then assume that this means it was all “God’s plan.” They figured out The Formula, apparently.
I mean, if you’re striving to be content in order to be “ready” or “good enough” to find a spouse, well, that’s not really good, is it? Isn’t that somewhat dishonest? If I’m trying to become “content” so that I can get married…..well, then I’m not really content, am I? And what about every person who gets married early in life without really entering a long period singleness – were they content in singleness first? I’m gonna say no. If people were able to find true “contentment” with being single, why bother getting married?
I mean, what if if you’re currently homeless, or unemployed? Should you “learn contentment” in those situations, or do things to escape them?
If you’re single, you hear people pontificate to you about “contentment” all the time. In Philippians 4:12, when Paul reminds us to be content in whatever state we’re in, he’s referring to our ultimate contentment in God. There’s no requirement to force ourselves to be happy about every situation. Having and expressing the desire doesn’t make you weak. Admitting and expressing frustration and loneliness doesn’t make you weak.
A lot of times, singles will feel lonely in their situation. That’s fine. We can’t help that. But we can also feel guilty for being lonely because as Christians we have things to be thankful for and we’re often presented with the message that all the good Christians must be “content.” We’re also sometimes told that we have to be “content” before God will bless us with romantic love. This is a popular idea in modern church culture, but we’re not required to be completely satisfied with life, whether we’re married or single. We live in a bad world, where bad things happen and life doesn’t always go our way. We don’t have to repress our emotions or pretend that these situations make us happy. Nor do we have to pretend that these desires are unimportant to us. It’s OK to feel and express sadness and loneliness. We’re not going to disappoint God for feeling emotions that we can’t control anyway.
Ideas like this imply that your “season” of singleness will end once we learn to properly exercise contentment. Apparently all the married couples somehow mastered this, and reached some pinnacle of contentment that God approved of and rewarded accordingly. As if we can use a formula and reverse psychology to convince God to give us the thing we want. Sometimes married couples will tell you that their story went like this, that God “blessed” them with a spouse once they stopped “idolizing” marriage, or once they “stopped looking.” Or once they “learned to be content.” Cool story. As if that’s some sort of universal rule. The Bible doesn’t mention this weird idea anywhere.
If you want love/marriage/sex badly, well, you can’t make yourself “stop” wanting those things. What a silly idea. You’re not being “worldly” or sinful just by expressing desires for things like these. If Christians were able to repress or ignore these desires, why would any Christian ever marry?
A lot of the time, when you’re single, people tell you to “take advantage” of it because you can apparently “serve more.” You have more “time” to serve.
I think lot of this comes from a certain take on what Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. Paul basically says that an unmarried person is devoted to the Lord and not distracted by the needs of his spouse. This is then interpreted by some to mean that a person can do “more ministry” as a single. I don’t think that’s what Paul says here. I mean, if that’s the case, why are all the pastors and church elders typically married? Did they make a mistake? Is marriage getting in the way of their ministry? What Paul says here, I believe, is that if you aren’t distracted by the desire for marriage, then maybe you have the gift of singleness.
You also mention “guarding your heart.” What does “guarding your heart” even mean, though? Is it just one of those overused Christianese clichés?
This phrase comes from Proverbs 4:23. But this verse says nothing about romantic love. It’s not even talking about being careful not to love a person “too quickly.” It’s saying keep your heart focused on God and centered the right way.
Also, in the Bible, the phrase “heart” doesn’t seem to refer to your emotions. It’s your very central “being.” The heart speaks, thinks, remembers etc. all throughout the Bible — it’s not separated out as your “emotional self.” It’s your core self. That’s how I’ve read it, anyway.
Anyway….
Good advice, though!
There’s a lot to think about here, and you’ve raised some really good points. Thank you for sharing!