An Open Letter to the Girl Struggling to Be Content in Her Singleness (ft. Chelsea Bender)

Dear Single Girl,

I’m not too sure what your outlook is on being single. Maybe you are completely content with single life, or maybe you’re not. If there is one thing I could tell my once single self, it would be, “embrace it.” There are so many awesome opportunities available to you during this season of your life. 

I remember a time when I couldn’t wait to be married and have kids. Now I’m married with two children and think about how I should have learned to be content during my single years. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m so grateful for my family. I love my girls very much. But when I think of them growing up and stepping into adolescence, I realize how important it is for them to get everything out of each season – whether single or married – without looking too far ahead into the next step. 

To be honest, I had a hard time thinking about what else to tell you about single life since my single years were very short. So, I spoke to my friend Chantal Spencer who is currently single. She’s my go-to single girl, if you will (haha). She passed on some nuggets of wisdom that I would love to share with you. 

“Wrestle with your singleness. Don’t rush into a relationship out of loneliness.”

“Being single has its drawbacks. You fight a lot of things on your own when no one is watching.” 

Frustrations about little things like attending a wedding without a date or going to dinner by yourself can get old. But, that’s where being a Christian comes in. You can bring each frustration to God through simple conversation with him, leaving them at his feet. 

Related: Dear Single Woman, Here’s Why You Should Stop Obsessing Over Being Ready for Marriage

Don’t wait until you have a spouse to start your life

Your single years are a time to get to know yourself better. You may even find strength and resilience you did not know about before as you walk through some of the not-so-fun parts. 

Chantal used to think she had to wait until she was married to start planning to buy a house and have children. She later realized that’s not the case. She was able to find and grow her career in her singleness. She dedicated her singleness to developing herself and found provision she thought she could only have in marriage. Many times, the narrative is that you must have a spouse to start a life. But, you can start any time. 

Guard and protect your heart

Chantal also shared that if you are interested in dating, it is important to guard your heart. This means that you should protect your time and emotional energy. Don’t allow just anyone to access your deepest thoughts and feelings. Look for someone with strong character traits that point to maturity. Traits like kindness, virtue, strong work ethic, honesty, and a good heart. They must be on the same page when it comes to Christianity. This doesn’t mean that they will be perfect but they should believe in and want to grow with Jesus as an individual. 

Related: What Does it Mean to Be A Daughter of God and Why Does it Matter?

Don’t create a “fantasy man” in your head

Avoid making extremely specific lists of all you want in a man. Sometimes we make up fantasy people that a real human being could never compare to. It’s kind of like putting together a superhero in your mind. Be open minded but make sure to have some non-negotiables to honor the other person’s time as well as your own. We can’t put ourselves or anyone else in a box when it comes to dating. 

Refuse to settle

Don’t be with anybody just to have somebody. 

You may feel like wanting to settle. But, don’t be with anybody just to have somebody. Always analyze  each new or potentially risky decision. Remain consistent in prayer and ask God if its a good idea to enter into a relationship. Work on yourself as a whole, and not as half a person just because you are single. Two healthy people can make a great team, couple, and ultimately, a great marriage. Though you cannot control when a quality person will come into your life, you can work on yourself and make sure that you are whole while waiting for them to come along. 

Finally, I would like to wrap up with a passage in the Bible where Paul speaks about contentment. In Philippians 4:11-13, he says, 

“Not that I was ever in need, for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.” 

I don’t know what each season of life will look like for you. I do know that there is more to you than your relationship status. You have so much to contribute to this world. It’s more than just being a wife or a girlfriend. No matter where life takes you, trust God that his plans are good for you.