What to Do When Community Feels Elusive

Years ago, I saved a Pinterest image that captured a feeling I wanted for my future home. It depicted hands around a wooden table breaking bread together. I imagined the connectedness of those people, the laughter they shared, and their freedom to be vulnerable with one another. I found myself craving this, especially since I was newly married and living in a foreign country. I longed for friends like the ones in my Pinterest image. People who would listen to me pour out my life’s joys and struggles from across the table. Why did community seem so elusive as an adult?

Community was easy when it was spoon-fed to me at my Christian college. But out here in the real world, it was like forging a path in a forest. I decided that if I didn’t have community in my life, then I needed to create it. I texted a handful of girls who were in a similar life stage as me and invited them to join a Bible study group. To my delight, each one responded with a resounding “yes.”

Related: How to Lead A Bible Study

Each of my invitees showed up that first Saturday morning meeting in June. I had known all of them from different contexts, but they weren’t all familiar with each other. They sat down together around my dining table and started nibbling on a potluck of treats. Meanwhile, I cranked out lattes for everyone from my overworked espresso machine amidst the chatter of introductions. Once everyone had their lattes, I sat down with them to unite us around the purpose of our new group. “This is just what I need!” was the refrain of all. Who knew that all these ladies were searching for the same thing I was? My initiative was not in vain. 

Our monthly meetings aren’t complicated. We simply choose a book of the bible to read and meet once a month on a Saturday morning to discuss our takeaways. After settling in around the table with coffee and sweets, we listen attentively to each member as she pours out her heart. We rejoice in her good news and offer prayers for her burdens. Children are often present too, playing on the outskirts while we remain attentive to one another. It’s not fancy or formal; it’s just the result of friends sitting down together. 

Coming Close and Sharing our Burdens

Not only was I craving community, but I also wanted someone to help share my burdens with me. It makes sense since this is what we are called to do in Scripture. For example, in Galatians 6:2, Paul writes, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, fulfill the law of Christ.” We fulfill the law of Christ by coming close and sharing the load of life with each other.

Related: How Compassion Moves Us to Love Our Neighbors As Ourselves

Likewise, the late pastor and theologian, Tim Keller, once said that “you cannot help with a burden unless you come very close to the burdened person.”¹ So what’s stopping us from getting close to others? Maybe it’s the fear of inviting others into your mess. Or feeling unsure if others will accept you. For me, it was the thought that maybe my friends would say “no” or that my invitation would seem too forward. It was the disqualifying voice inside me saying, “Who are you to start a group?” But when we remember that God’s instructions are for our good, then we know that his command to carry each other’s burdens is designed to bless us and others. Who wouldn’t want to be invited to have a load lifted for them? After all, God designed us for this. 

How to Start a Burden-Bearing Community

Community isn’t always easy, but it is possible. If you are feeling like I was and you want to form community in your life, here are three things to consider.

Know your why 

God has made us for community with other believers. We get more of him when we participate in knowing others and carrying their burdens. It will require vulnerability and willingness to open your heart, but I’ve discovered that it’s worth it. When you’re tempted to close yourself off, remember that God works in our lives and in others’ lives when we’re vulnerable. We get to see more of who God is by getting to know those around us. 

Think of who to invite

Who do you interact with on a regular basis but maybe don’t know very well? Who would you like to get closer to? Who has shown to have a similar mindset and desire for spiritual growth? At first, I thought reaching out to my group of girls would seem random or out of the blue to them, but in the end, they received my invitation with enthusiasm because they were seeking the same thing. 

Set a realistic rhythm for meeting 

We all have busy lives. Meeting together should be regular, but not feel impossible. My group decided on once a month. We set the date in advance and try our best to be present. Sometimes everyone comes; sometimes just a few of us. Consistency is key. Consider what’s realistic for you and your group members. I decided to offer my home as a central meeting location for everyone. However, you may consider rotating who hosts so that other members of your group can practice hospitality as well. 

Participating in a burden-bearing community doesn’t have to be perfect or complicated. After all, we are all imperfect people. This is why we need each other in the first place. Your house doesn’t need to be perfect; your heart just needs to be open. The first step is always the hardest, but every subsequent step leaves you feeling lighter. Be encouraged that God goes before you; your efforts to get close to others are not in vain. He rejoices to bless his people through community. As we invite others in, we will find ourselves lighter as we share the load. 

Application Questions

1. Timothy Keller, Galatians for You (The Good Book Company, 2013), 168-169.  ↩︎