Truthfully, I never really liked the idea of the Proverbs 31 Woman. I rarely read the passage and when I did, I glossed over it haphazardly. It’s not that I had a problem with the biblical passage, per se. I just had a problem with everything people made it out to be.
I felt like it was often used to hold Christian women accountable to an imaginary standard they couldn’t live up to.
However, I’ve since grown to appreciate the words of Proverbs 31. They provide so much valuable insight on what the heart of a Godly woman should look like.
Where did we get the idea of the Proverbs 31 Woman from?
The iconic Proverbs 31 Woman comes from Proverbs 31, a poem written by King Lemuel based on words of advice given to him by his mother on how to conduct himself as a king. She speaks about everything from drinking wine and strong drink to standing up for the weak and poor.
Obviously, as a mother looking out for the best interests of her son, she advises him on how to choose a wife. She describes characteristics of a virtuous woman, so that Lemuel would recognize her when he saw her.
Women’s ministries everywhere took the idea of Proverbs 31 and ran with it, putting it on coffee mugs and t-shirts, writing devotionals and books about it, and encouraging young women to desire to become like this “virtuous woman.”
Unfortunately, this comes with the potential of putting an unnecessary burden on women.
While Proverbs 31 outlines many beautiful actions of the virtuous woman, it is not a checklist or commandment to live up to. It’s a poem.
Related: How to Discover God’s Purpose for Your Life
The Proverbs 31 Woman Explained
Christian culture says that you have to be the perfect wife with five children, who attends all of their kids’ parent-teacher meetings, volunteer at every local organization, cook the most amazing meals for your family, and serve on your church’s outreach team.
While all of those things are amazing, none of them are necessary for being a Proverbs 31 woman. Truthfully, not all of us can relate to that. Some of us never will. And that’s okay.
There’s one crucial thing about the virtuous woman that we have been missing. This is what gives her the energy and the drive to do all of the things listed in the chapter.
The most important characteristic of a Proverbs 31 Woman
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30
I know we like to quote it a lot but do we really understand what that verse means? While the Proverbs 31 Woman can be commended for all the wonderful things she does, what is most important about her is that she fears the Lord. She lives her entire life out of a desire to honor and serve the Lord. This is what makes her a virtuous woman.
Related: What Does it Mean to Live Intentionally?
What else makes someone a virtuous woman?
Virtuous women are in constant communion with God
The good things we do don’t make us virtuous. Virtue comes from constant communion with God.
Are you in his presence regularly?
Do you love his truth more than you love the world?
Do you seek his will before seeking your own?
I don’t believe that the Proverbs 31 Woman desired to praise or fame. I believe that she simply wanted to serve the Lord. She wasn’t trying to be perfect, she just knew it was her duty to honor the Lord.
It was natural for her to be a virtuous woman because virtue was already in her heart.
It is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth; this defiles a person.
Matthew 15:11
Jesus tells us that it’s not what goes into the mouth that defiles someone, it’s what comes out. The things that come out of our mouth express what’s in our heart. Virtue can only come out of you if virtue is within you.
The Proverbs 31 Woman pursues the wisdom of God instead of the wisdom of the world
The P31 Woman is not concerned with what seems right according to the world. Instead, she focuses on God’s truth. Her biggest desire is to honor God. She works for God and not for man because she knows that her reward comes from God and him alone.
A woman who is genuinely pursuing God will naturally be virtuous. The problem is, we tend to flip it the other way and use it as a checklist for women who want to be found by the perfect man. But, it’s not a checklist at all.
Lemuel’s mother isn’t saying, “Go find a woman who does all of these things perfectly.” Instead, she’s saying, “Hey, heads up. If she does these things, chances are she’s a virtuous woman.” Her outward actions are an indication of the virtue inside of her heart.
Many women use their works as a measuring stick of their worth. They say, “If I do all of these things, It’ll make me a virtuous woman.” But, sadly, that’s a lie. That’s not the truth God promised us. Doing all the things isn’t going to make you virtuous. You naturally do good things as a result of the virtue in your heart.
Related: How to Develop a Personal Relationship with God
She’s a woman after God’s heart
Like David was a man after God’s heart, the P31 woman is a woman after God’s heart. Interestingly enough, in Judges, we hear about a man referred to as a “mighty man of valor.” I read a commentary that said that the “virtuous woman” title is its female version. She is strong, wise, conscientious, loving, caring, hardworking, and faithful. But all of these wonderful qualities are byproducts of the most important thing about her. She seeks God and finds him.
The truth is, no matter what you do or how well you do it, you can never be a virtuous woman without the right heart posture.
Do you truly fear the Lord? Or is it more about appearance?
Are you walking according to God’s word? Or are you simply doing what society says is good?
If you want to be a true Proverbs 31 Woman, you have to lay down all of the unnecessary standards and live as a woman who fears the Lord.
Shanté Grossett
Founder, Daily She Pursues
Shanté is the founder of Daily She Pursues. She is passionate about teaching women how to pursue the heart of God by studying his word, spending time in prayer, and committing to a daily walk with the Lord. Shanté is currently working on a Master’s Degree in Biblical Studies at Liberty University and some of her favorite things include tea, journaling, art museums, essential oils, and thrift shopping.
Amen! Thank you for sharing this truth today. What a great reminder that our worth is found in Christ and not in our ability to be the perfect Proverbs 31 women. As a natural born perfectionist I often struggle with my limitations and appreciate this reminder that God can still use us for His good and glory.
Amen, it’s so good to know that God wants our hearts to be rooted in him more than he wants us to be perfect! Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts!
I felt guilty and very upset with myself after reading P31. I am physically disabled to such a degree that I’m homebound and need a caregiver. How can I become a woman describe in P31?
I’m sorry to hear that you feel this way. The thing that is most notable about the woman in Proverbs 31 is her heart of devotion toward the Lord. She did everything else because she loved God. Even though you are physically disabled, you can be devoted to God. There are things you can do to show it that are not physical. For example, praying silently for others can express devotion to God. I hope that helps!
Hello Shante! My birthday was yesterday in PH, August 20. I just recently launched a blog to kick-off my 34th year in this world and while reading about proverbs 31 woman more as I’d like it to be a goal or prayer or wish for myself, I stumbled into your blog. I like it a lot. Letting you know that I’ll mention your points and your blog in my upcoming episode. Thank you! Here’s my podcast: https://anchor.fm/kringjuly
Hi Kresia! I’m glad to hear that and happy belated birthday! Congrats on launching your blog! Looking forward to checking it out!
I read Proverbs 31 and I felt guilty and inadequate. I was literally crying my eyes out and then I found your blog. Thank you for breaking it down and explaining it the way you did. I feel so much better now! I am a perfectionist and I have to remind myself that I do not have to be perfect,
I cannot do it all and especially not without Him!
Wow, I’m so glad the article helped clear things up for you! Amen, we cannot do it all and we’re not called to be perfect, just to submit our entire lives to the Lord!
Oh how god works! I had just read this Bible verse about the proverbs 31 woman, and I immediately started planning things out in my head that I “had to do” in order to be a virtuous women.It’s no accident that I found this blog post! Thank you for shedding light on this subject, I will definitely mention you on my blog! Have a blessed day!!?
You’re welcome! I’m glad it was helpful for you Emma!
Very well said what a powerful massage
As always, you handled this passage SO WELL, my friend! “The good things we do don’t make us virtuous. Virtue comes from constant communion with God.” Amen to that! It’s HIS righteousness, not ours! I always stayed away from this passage for all the reasons you mentioned, but you’re so right, it’s about the inward fruit producing outward fruit, not the other way around. Thanks for this, Shanté!
Thanks so much sis! Grateful for your support!
Thank you. So often syntax of words or the appearances of things are confused.
For instance I love and praise God in my heart daily, and in the hearts of those I meet. But I have never actually “feared” God. I came to understand “Fear of God” is a translation or a way to express one’s reverence for God.
Not specifically about “fear” as in other modern contexts.
Amen!! I completely agree. Thank you!
Thank you! That was a really clear explanation. I have honestly never felt bothered or condemned by the Proverbs 31 woman, but it makes sense to hear that it’s been used in a way culturally that has been detrimental. I just haven’t run across that particular church subculture around this passage.
I will say, coming from outside of that context, I enjoy reading about a woman so highly valued for being prudent, hard working, and generous. (No emphasis on youth, beauty, charm, etc.)
Well said! What a blessing to read this to start my day!
I found this right at the time I needed. Thank you for your breakdown.
As I start a 21 day journey of intentionally and purposefully pursuing God I came across your page on this day 1. I am so overjoyed that your page holds exactly what I was looking for as a way to open up my heart and mind more to God so that I can get the anointing needed to be a better mother, co-parent, daughter, sister, friend, future wife and most importantly servant of God. I’m grateful and excited about what is to come over the next 21 days as God reveals himself to me. Shante’ thanks for such great content as a guide and start along the way.
I’m so glad to hear that!
Thank you for sharing this in a way I’ve never heard it being shared. I would like to connect more if you are open to have a chat and perhaps having you on one of my Zoom sessions. My name is Pastor Mel and I’m based in Zimbabwe. Please email me on emeldavhiriri@gmail.com
You’re welcome, Pastor Mel! I’m glad it was helpful. Right now, I would not be available but I will let you know if anything opens up in my schedule in the future!
This post was so helpful. I’ve always thought that being a virtuous woman had to do with excelling in the characteristics mentioned in Proverbs 31. Now, I have a better perspective.
Thanks a lot, Shanté.
You’re welcome, Jemimah! I’m glad it was helpful 🙂
Love lt!!!!!
Shante! You hit the nail on the head with this one! This blessed me in so many ways! I looked at the way people talk about the P31 woman and thought “Wow! I have so much to get in order!” It reminded me of how we feel like we have to “have it all together” before we come to God when all He tells us to do is Come! We don’t have to have it all together just as long as the desire for Him is there, He takes care of the rest. We don’t have to have it all together like the P31 woman as long as we fear the Lord and our heart posture is right…the virtue will surely be there. I’m thankful for you and the clarity of this scripture! God bless you!!
Thank you Shante for this translation of the P31 woman. I was reading the Bible on the same and it didnt quite register and so i was looking for a simplified translation and came across this. Iv been blessed by your message. Love and light.
Oh my goodness well said 👏👏👏👏👏
Hi Shante. I came across this article during a google search. I’m a 47 year old mum living in Cyprus with 3 young girls and a lovely Christian husband. I love the Lord and have known his love for me in powerful ways especially during my conversion. At 17, I was a mess, stuck in a evil world of drugs, drink, partying and a broken home. Gods love invaded my life and caused my alabaster jar to brake. I fell head over heels in love with Him. Years down the line of complete restoration, I have now become a bit down trodden and grumpy with my life and its demands and seeing the negative impact between not having time enough time with God because of running a busy home and owning a small business. I love it but it takes up most of my time. I think God doesnt want me to slow down but to actually get ready for more exciting things, but in this, learn to be more still in His presence by coming before Him more regularly. Isnt this the secret to living life in all its fulness in Him. But what a battle to just get into His presence regularly!!!!
Hi Naomi, thank you for sharing your story with me. It can be a battle. But it’s great that you continue to show up!